Saturday night’s ceremony kept me up a long time, and I spent a good bit of my time outside by the fire, just lying on Pachamama, feeling the grass growing on top of Her, and letting the cold night air suck the calories out of my body. Once again, it seemed as if my personal journey had kept me up long past anyone but the special night volunteers who are there just in case anyone needs a helping hand in the wee hours of the morning. I watched the sun rise over the roof of the church and listened to nearby roosters crow, knowing there was nothing more to be learned from the medicine this time around. I stalked my way back to the Maloca and tucked myself reluctantly into bed.
I slept from about 6 o’clock to 8:30 and rose when I realized I would not be able to doze back off. That morning I took about a two-hour shower, scrubbing calluses from my hands until they soaked and dissolved, scrubbing my face gently until everything was exfoliated, carefully scrubbing behind my ears. Two hours of nothing but soap, shampoo, and water. Once again, I skipped breakfast in favor of fasting, and went straight from the shower to Sunday Integration, an essential part of the process.
There was a young guy there who had the spark in his eye of a life just begun, he was the one who was there to rekindle his creativity. When it was his turn to share, he spoke of being a soldier, of being #2 in the door of a tactical squad, of a lot of really messed up stuff that’s not mine to retell. When he was done sharing, I had to thank him, and I told him that I’d mistaken him for maybe a college sophomore, and if he can regain the spark and innocence in his eye, then it gives me hope that I can, too, in spite of all the mistakes I’ve made in this life and in past lives.
There were probably 20 others there, and everyone shared what they’d learned in their journey. Everyone felt better but me. I’d just found out that although I was born of Mother Earth, I carry the curse of a vampire, I’ve been to Hell thousands of times and just served my sentence and gone back out into the world to repeat the same supremely selfish mistakes. I didn’t know how I was supposed to move forward and fix things when from my observations, everything I touch withers and dies. How can I fix my mistakes with hands that only serve to destroy? How can I fix myself?
I realized that I needed a reset, so in time I fasted for a full seven days, from Thursday night to Thursday night, except for the one handful of cashews I ate in the plane on Friday, on my way to Soulquest. I needed my body to weaken even more, to make it possible to break my unending stubbornness. I pledge to kill this demon inside me, even if it costs me my life. Over the next few days of fasting, I realized that if I am a demon now, but I kill that part of me, that I can return to my original state, I can once again become an angel of light, which is my natural form, my form from millions of years ago, before I became what I am now. There can be no inbetween for me, I cannot sometimes indulge in sin, I must always remain pure in mind, body, heart, and spirit, otherwise I will lose this opportunity to be reborn, and I will become a demon all over again. I learned that people like me belong in cages, therefore I have wrapped myself ever more tightly in my religion, for now I am willingly caging myself in Dear Lord Krishna’s love, because I know this process will keep me out of physical cages in this life, and if I can keep following Him, He will not put me in the cage of Hell in the next life. My Father Yamaraja is always deeply disappointed when he sees me return for punishment.
Since I’ve been home, I’ve been doing my best to repair my relationship with my family. I am no longer the angry father. I am no longer the father who yells. I am the father who is desperately trying to see the world from my daughter’s perspective. She is a very talented Creative, and very sensitive to her emotions, and I could never understand her, since my own emotions were so tightly walled-up. Nowadays I let her cry if she’s sad, I don’t try to make her toughen up, or bury her emotions. For the summer, while she’s off of school, I have decided to take off every Wednesday from work so I can spend more time with her, doing things we both can enjoy.
My son is lot younger than her, just a toddler, but I’ve found a way to provide him correction and support in a much gentler manner, and almost never raising my voice, save the occasional emergency, such as, “NO! Do not eat that dirt!” I’ve opened up a lot to my wife, and told her everything I’ve gone through. It was a lot at first, but she sees me genuinely trying to break old patterns of thought and action, and she’s decided to try to support me in this enormous effort.
To my wife, …, Light of my Life, everything good in my life has come from you, from the love you’ve shown me, in spite of all my may faults and mistakes, to these two beautiful children who have taught me more about love and patience than I ever could have known. Without you, I never could have known love, without your strength, I never could have found myself. I am forever in your debt, and I will love you always, and long after this life.
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Pseudonym Confessions 